Talking to Yourself: It’s a Good Thing

Okay, talking to yourself out loud on public transportation may not be a sign of great mental health. But talking to yourself in your head is a really helpful tool when you feel yourself getting amped up for whatever reason.

We talk to ourselves often and loudly without even realizing it, but sometimes what we say can be helpful and sometimes we send ourselves into a tailspin.

Your boss pushed your buttons when she was critical of your work.
Negative Script: “He’s never going to be happy with what I do. I shouldn’t even try. I can’t do anything right here. I am probably going to get fired.”

Positive Script: “He’s probably having a bad day. I know that there are lots of times when he’s pleased with how hard I work and all that I contribute. Maybe when we meet later this week I can talk to him about what went wrong with this project and how I can improve for the next one."

See the difference? In the first script, we go with the negative, uncomfortable feelings and talk ourselves into more worry and upset. In the second, we are more grounded in reality. We ask, is there some other explanation? Is there a way that I can handle this?

Your best friend forgot to call on your birthday.
Negative Script: I am not that important. She’s probably mad at me about something. I guess we aren’t as close as I thought we were.

Positive Script: I wonder what’s going on that she didn’t call. I know she’s been going through a tough time. When I talk to her next I can let her know that I felt hurt, and I am sure that we can work it out.

When you feel your emotions getting more heated, flip the script from negative to positive self-talk:

• Give yourself a reality check. This is just one moment. Do things always turn out this way?

• What is the worst thing that could happen? Is this realistic?

• What is the best thing that could happen?

• What is the most likely thing to happen?

• What could I say to make myself feel better?

• How could I solve this problem?

• If my best friend were in this situation, how would I talk to him/her about it?
  

Say goodbye to "Always" and "Never"
"Always" and "Never" are very close cousins of “Can’t.” Their only purpose seems to be self-defeat and to deepen already intense feelings of discomfort.

“I always fail my math tests.” vs. “I failed this math test, and I haven’t done that great on some of the others, but I can get some help and I will do better.”

“I never have plans on the weekends.” vs. “ I don’t have any plans this weekend, and I am really disappointed about that. I do have plans to see my old roommate next weekend, and last weekend was pretty fun.”

Positive self-talk doesn’t mean that you will be without sadness, anger, worry, or upset, but that the time you spend there will be shorter and more bearable, and that you’ll be able to talk yourself towards solutions to the problems at hand.