"My partner and I need therapy, but s/he won’t go." How to get the help you need.

Do you remember learning that people don’t change unless they want to? Good news…Research actually shows that people don’t need to seek out change in order to be affected positively by change that takes place around them, or is offered to them. If change only helped those who were ready to seek it out, you and I would not be watching “Intervention” for the 100th episode!

In relationships one person is almost always more willing and interested in seeking out support—from friends, books, online sources, or therapists—than the other. This doesn’t mean that one partner is more invested in the health and well-being of the relationship, but that we each have different comfort levels with acknowledging our concerns, asking for help with them, and involving others in the process. Your partner may not be “ready to change" through therapy, but this doesn’t mean that s/he is not ready for old patterns to shift, your communication to improve, or to notice an improvement in your sex life.

Here are some ways to invite your partner to take the leap with you:

• Find a time when your partner is more likely to be open and receptive to what you want to say. Avoid bringing up therapy in the midst of an argument, the moment you walk in the door, or when s/he is distracted by other responsibilities.

• Speak from your experience and say what you would like to change about your own behavior, communication, or feelings. For example, "I think that going to couples therapy could really help me learn how to talk to you about some of the mixed feelings I have about being on maternity leave and my new job as a mother.”

• Identify the strengths in your relationship and in your partner, while acknowledging the areas of your relationship that continue to be tricky for you to address. Example: “I am so proud of all of the work we’ve done not to let little problems turn into big ones. One thing that we’ve had a hard time changing is how we resolve our differences about money and finances, and I think it would really help me to have someone who’s objective help us understand each other’s views better, and come to some agreements that feel comfortable for both of us.”

• Suggest a time frame. Sometimes people are put at ease by a set amount of time to work on a specific problem. “Let’s meet with someone for the next 3 months, so that we can work out these disagreements we keep getting into about finances.”

• Work together to find a therapist who feels like a good fit for your personalities and styles.

• Give your partner some breathing room to think about the idea and let it settle in. During your first conversation, suggest that you talk about this again in a week or so to see how it’s settled in with both of you. In a week follow up to see if you can get the ball rolling.

If your partner is “not ready for change” & all of your efforts to put him/her at ease were unsuccessful, all is not lost. A fundamental principle of therapy is that change in one person leads to change within that one person’s relationships and family. If you are ready to work on certain issues in your relationship, then get to work! Individual or group therapy can help you express your feelings, change unhealthy patterns, improve your communication, work on problem solving, and improve your mood. This attention to your own experience will change your way of relating to your partner. It may even help your partner to take that leap into his/her own therapy, or into therapy with you.